As they congregated at the 7-11, Fletcher’s disciples came to him and asked, “Our leader, what is the biggest problem facing mankind today?” Fletcher responded, “What do you think?” “George Bush!” answered one. “Global warming!” said another. “Close,” Fletcher said, “and you have listened to my teachings closely. However, the greatest problem the world now faces is overpopulation.”
“Really?” answered Reuel, “um, have you ever been to Nebraska, or Kansas, or a Dakota?” “The Disney catastrophe will take care of that,” retorted Fletcher. He continued, “A combination of global warming and a broken water ride at Disney World will be the downfall of Florida. Disney Land will bring so much tourism that it will cause the state to actually sink into the sea! California will survive two more earthquakes before this calamity befalls them. Following this, Disney will relocate in Montana and a new empire will be forged stretching from Helena to Bismarck.” “Will anyone actually live there?” “No.”
“What are the implications of a large population?” asked Reuel. “It’s incredible that so few understand that we are all doomed. China, India, and most of the world cannot lift themselves out of poverty because of their massive populations. Only by aggressive, mandatory birth control can these countries correct themselves.”
“Sir,” Reuel inquired, “these countries are already unbalanced—China specifically. China’s one child rule leaves two middle-aged people for every child. They will already face problems in a generation when the work force is trying to support twice their population. Doesn’t your solution make this problem even worse? How will the people survive?” “They won’t need to worry about that as they’ll keep growing in number that they must kill each other for food. Like blind fools, we continue to listen to the selfish ramblings of the Vatican and their allies. God’s judgment has already been passed on them. There is no time left for arguing.”
“Von last question,” the follower Conrad Merwerdich-liebe asked, “shal ze…inkonvenience…of the birt kontrol affect ze men or ze vomen?” Fletcher responded, “Let it be by lot, by which I mean let us vote.” The noses were counted and it was decided amongst his followers by a count of 33-2 that the women should be inconvenienced. It was also decided that more women should be added to their number. Meanwhile, the group left with grand smiles on their faces—especially that of Merwerdich- liebe’s—ready to face the future.
The assembly dispersed when a mob composed of the Young Republicans and Father O’Reilly parishioners attacked.
