Fear not the attacks of those who hate the one true religion. God will surely judge those who hate his people. Already his wrath is seen against the occupying army. Truly, I say, at the culmination of all things, God’s wrath will spill. They shall go on as they always have: killing each other and making merry. When God makes himself known to them, they shall flee. As they run to the mountains for protection, the mountains shall arise and they themselves shall flee. Then, the moon will turn brown.

As the fools flee from God to the mountains, God will take two mountains and push them together over the fools into the ground to leave them there for all of an eternity.

The world will have been divided into two camps: those who follow God and those who continue in their rebellion of ignorance and error. The camps will consist of five kingdoms each. Ten, being a perfect number (after the number of toes Jesus had) shall signify the perfection of the world that will itself usher in the end. The perfection having been attained, destruction is to follow.

God shall lead the attack against those who hate him. Triumphantly shall he resound “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ,ha! Sorry, Suckas! God will not be alone in his attack, however, for the seven angels will join him. They shall fly around the world using their jet packs lobbing the seven plagues—that consist of, but are not limited to (void where prohibited) black plague and cyanide—at the people who are in rebellion. As they lob their vials of death, they shall announce one last chance to repent and join the one true religion before they are eternally damned to hell, a submergely, mountainous hell.

Take hope in those days, my friends, for I, Fletcher, shall myself take up flight with the angels as we deliver our message of hope. Wait in anticipation for these days. My compassion for you is great, my friends. Continue in the faith. Do not forsake your weekly meetings at the 7-11s. Continue to forsake firefighters and Father O’Reilly. Pray for the Militia.


This ends the Apocalypse of Fletcher.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 7

Fletcher and Reuel—to the scattered flock of Spokane, who have fled to British Colombia, which is in God the Father and in the Lord Jesus Christ—Greetings, halfwits.

Forgive my language, for my companion assists me in this letter, and believes, as I do, that a dog could learn our commands faster than you. But I recant, my dearest brethren. We are bound to thank God for you, as your faith and love for one another grows. And yet, we also wonder what exactly it will take for you to put two and two together. We shall glory in our Lord Jesus once you people show the mental capacity of a brain-damaged cow; for it is life to us if you keep your faith in the Lord unchanged. By his mercy have you been guided this far on the path to righteousness; surely you must not need help further? But, alas, thus far you have dashed all my hopes and dreams for your people, and you have been relegated to a barren place in my heart.

You have done many deeds that force me to reconsider my trust in you. I am disappointed in your apparent lack of progress, as all other churches are doing wonderfully with expanding. You, however, exhibit a lack of knowledge that would make even the town idiot feel as wise as King Solomon! In your state, there is a fool born every other moment, a fool who cannot take the time to understand what it means to be a child of God. I fear that you have no idea what, or how, I teach.

Yet, once my expectations in you were so great! When first I set out on my journeys, I traveled thousands of leagues and tens of miles in search of those who could inherit the kingdom. I traveled to Wenatchee, Ontario, and many other cities, but in you, I found those whom I felt had the potential to love and be loved as God’s faithful children. I thought you would make excellent disciples, those who would carry out Christ’s mission throughout the world. I believed that you would become the foremost in the advance of God’s kingdom. I prayed that you would be the foundations of a new people, as Saint Bartholomew became the foundation for a new church. My faith in you never wavered, and yet you failed me, my brethren; you failed me as much as you failed your heavenly Father.

Oh, Spokanians, you who have fallen so low! Know you not how much faith I had in you when first we met? When my second letter was sent, I had been relying solely on the positive claims of your first reply to my teachings. You were eager pupils, and I anxiously awaited your next letter, praying to God that you had progressed tremendously in wisdom and faith. I fear, however, that you have remembered little.

You say you have not heard of the Deliverance. Oh, you who are so deaf! Did I not preach these things to you? The war will indeed end and God will protect his own. This is all part of God’s grand plan to bring the world to perfection. Watch and wait for that day, for it is not far off. The LORD has seen the pain you have gone thru being administered by Canada: winter 11 months out of the year, the emphasis that is placed on hockey, and mayonnaise on everything. You are not alone in your struggles. In the American administered section of Cascadia, the war is still being fought. American kamikazes are burning our precious forests, causing the Sasquatch militia to retreat on all fronts. In the east, the Americans have pushed almost to the Cascade Range. In the south, however, the Federalists have been pushed back. The Cascadian Corridor is completely ours again as we have recaptured the city of Eugene. Plans are being made to drive back the Army in east Cascadia. Potatoes from Madison and Jackson will once again come forth. Your arteries will swell with the starch wherefrom in the near future. The offensive continues and Medford should fall to our forces soon. The rebellion in San Francisco is about to start which will deliver a crushing blow to those Federalists.

Dear brethren, when you disturbed me I was writing a letter to our newly freed brothers in Eugene. But let me put that aside so I can deal with your questions about how to arrange the chairs during Mass. Henceforth, you shall arrange them as such: in neat rows lined up in front of the altar, as is aesthetically pleasing to God. It is for the same reason that you dress up on Sunday mornings. But, really, do I have to tell you this myself? Use the minds God your Father gave you. Oh Spokanians! Become wise, men of wisdom, men like gods! But that is too high a standard, I fear; so now I set my decrees for you and for your church.

Brethren, rejoice in one another and in Christ. Work on good deeds, and worry not about the color of the carpets (I prefer red, but that's just me). Be satisfied with oaken pews. Offer each other a kiss, or the soul brother handshake, if appropriate. When you sing, sing of the glory of God. Do not engage in sexual immorality or thoughts that defile the temple Christ has built in your hearts. When you sing "Proud Mary," sing it slowly and pensively. An up-tempo version leads to evil thoughts. No evil thoughts can be allowed in the house of God, for his is a holy house, founded on truth, and the Spirit resides in this house, bringing new life to all who come to dwell in God. Though I doubt you will understand a single word I have just written, I pray for you to receive the message within these words.

Now I read that you do not know, and have not heard, the voice of God in your hearts. I am disappointed in you, my brethren! God surely will not speak to you as he will to me, for he resides in me and I in him and he holds my very spirit and soul in heaven for correspondence. You do not know the burden I bear: one misstep and I shall be smote. Wait for his voice, my brethren, and you shall be rewarded.

Dearest brethren, fear not. I have received your letters, and I had been duly planning a trip to Tigard until I got your latest foolish correspondence. Do you not believe what you have heard? I fear for you, my brethren. Long nights have I stayed awake searching for the way that would allow you to comprehend God’s mysteries without injuring yourselves. But, my dear brethren, I digress. May my prayers for you come to pass, then, else you all rot in a smoldering, underground, mountain hole. The grace and peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all of you.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 6

Another oracle, given in the fourth year of President Bush:

Hear, Vancouver, incline your ears to what I say. Listen to my words and be enlightened: Your government has taken advantage of you; it is using you to make money. Your president and vice-president each make 2 billion dollars off opium sales in Afghanistan, and they are selling oil straight out of Iraq. This is nothing new, you should know, for Ronald Reagan wanted to become the world's first trillionaire. Indeed Bill Clinton was an imposter. Hear my words, oh Vancouver, this government's time has come to an end! Its sins have grown too large for the LORD to bear.

Hear, Cascadia, your sins! The LORD has a lawsuit against you! You elected Republicans, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Bill Clinton, and they have gone against my wishes, as have all the Republicans before them. Now you elect a man, George W. Bush, not once but twice, who has gone further than all of these. He has gone further than all leaders before him, even exceeding George Washington, the first Republican, and his outstanding tax record. Bush is a continuation of the Republican Party that has afflicted this nation since 1776.

Since you refuse to listen to my decrees, oh Cascadia, you will surely suffer. You will not be destroyed, and indeed you will come away stronger, but you must be subject to affliction, devastation, and tribulation for a time, times, and half a time.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 5

A serious young man found the conflicts of twenty-first century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within him the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, Fletcher said to him, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there. You must remain silent until the moonrise tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."

He did just as Fletcher instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how he would know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, fecal matter fell from the second floor onto him. At that time, two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied, "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is an idiot." Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 4

When Father O’Reilly was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Father O’Reilly took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted Blissy, the sacred cow of Beijing, while she was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast." demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile. What is your purpose in life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, the sacred cow replied "MU"*. Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened, primarily because nobody could understand Chinese.



*"MU" is the Chinese ideogram for NO-THING

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 3

The Oracle given to Pioneer Courthouse Square:

Hear the word of the LORD, oh Portland! George W. Bush and the Republicans are working against you! Your president has marched into Congress and declared, “I’m in charge now!” The courts are now controlled by him as well. It is only a matter of time until the Republican agenda is completed.

Have you noticed that George Bush hasn’t created one single job in his time as president? Not one single job! The Republicans are trying to make it as difficult as possible for the middle class to have work in America.

The jobs that George Bush has created are simple gas station jobs. Have you ever seen George Bush inside a 7-11? No? That’s right. He is completely separated from the people of America.

Indeed, it is the desire of Republicans to ship out the entire middle class. The Republicans have allowed 10,000,000 Mexicans to cross the border so far, firing border patrol guards who prevent them from crossing. The Republicans plan to use these Mexicans as a newly instated slavery system, to renew the old system that those progressives did away with all those years ago.

A voice called from the crowd, “What are you talking about?!” He then emerged; it was Father O’Reilly from the Catholic Church in NW Portland. “Nothing you say is true: the Republican Party desires no such thing. And how can he have made no jobs and made gas station jobs at the same time?”

“Quiet, mortal,” Fletcher replied. “How dare you interrupt my divine message?!” “Your message is anything but divine: what support do you have for that of which you speak?” “You should know”, Fletcher responded, “that this is no later than my twenty-second life; that is to say that I should have died that many times now by.

“You, Father O’Reilly, you are a priest!” Fletcher continued. “Do you not know that I have the power, power straight from God, to make priests and even bishops quiver in fear?! God has passed his judgment on you because you do not follow Him!”

“What do you mean,” Father O’Reilly replied, “that I do not follow God?” Fletcher informed him, “You are damned to hell, damned I say! You do not follow even the most important laws, ‘Thou shall not judge’. You have forgotten the laws ‘Love thy neighbor’ and ‘Love thy stranger’. You of the Catholic faith are all doomed to hell because you deny that Jesus is the Son of God.”

“What?! That is the most basic tenet of our faith”, said Father O’Reilly. “Then tell me this”, Fletcher demanded. “Tell me the passage where Jesus says, “I am not perfect.” “He never said that”, a very confused Father O’Reilly said. “I mean, He was perfect”. “Of course He was perfect,” Fletcher impatiently conceded, “he only said this to see what other people would say.” “But if that’s so,” Father O’Reilly pieced together, “then He lied, and would therefore be imperfect.” “Ah, but if that is so,” Fletcher said with a smile, “then He would have been telling the truth.”

No one dared ask Fletcher another question, for they were amazed at his teaching.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 2

In the first year of the occupation, Fletcher was in his house making a “The end is near!” sign. Suddenly, he realized his house was on fire. As he looked about him, he realized that he had been so engulfed in his work that the flame had spread far and that he was now trapped. He noticed as the temperature rose, higher, higher. His tools started to melt as it rose higher still. He looked at himself and saw himself start to melt! As the fire rose to a temperature between 3,600° F and 3,800° F, Fletcher prayed to God. God responded. A bubble was placed around Fletcher and he was shot out of his house, reaching a height of fifteen feet.

Around this time, the fire department showed up. There were concerns over Fletcher’s pickup towards which the flames were readily creeping. As the two, 250-pound firefighters started to rush toward the flames, the 175-pound Fletcher grabbed them by the seat of their pants and pulled them back. “NO!” he exclaimed, “God has told me that the fire will go out in eight minutes.” Eight minutes later, the fire went out and the pick-up was untouched. It is for this reason that all firefighters will go to hell.

A young man by the name of Reuel witnessed this and invited Fletcher to stay at his home, after first going to a 7-11. Fletcher explained that his deliverance was nothing new. Once, he had been in an accident that resulted in his ribs being broken. After praying to God, God healed him. On another occasion, he had to go to the hospital for surgery. As drugs are an abomination, Fletcher cursed at the anesthesiologist and fired her. Instead, Fletcher prayed to God to put him out, which he did. Still again, Fletcher was once almost capsized on a boat. However, when Fletcher prayed to God, the 40-foot wave crashed against the boat as a three-footer. Again, when in a fight, Fletcher once broke a man’s wrist and ribs and ended up killing the man by jamming his nose into his brain. Upon praying to God, the man was brought back to life.

Reuel was very impressed and asked to hear of Fletcher’s religion. Fletcher said, “It is composed of three beliefs: God, Jesus, and the 10 Commandments.” “Wait,” said Reuel, “It’s Friday night. It’s almost Saturday. How can we keep the Fourth Commandment as we are still walking home from 7-11?” “Um, which one is the Fourth one again?” “How can you not know the Commandments?!” “It’s is not necessary to know them, you must simply believe in them.”

Fletcher continued, “The three tenets of my religion are true and are found in the Holy Scriptures: the Hebrew Bible, The American Bible, and the Koran. All the killing that is done in the Middle East is useless because they ignore the true religion.” “How can the Jews and Arabs fight over false religions when their scriptures speak the truth?” “It is the Hebrew Bible that speaks the truth,” said Fletcher, “Not the Jewish Bible” “What about the Arabs?” asked Reuel. “I don’t know.” “Fair enough.” Fletcher finished, “It is they who believe the Bible says ‘Thou shall not murder’ when it really says ‘Thou shall not kill.” “Wait a minute,” said Reuel, “no, never mind.”

Reuel was so inebriated at this that he swore to remain Fletcher’s disciple for life. “Very well,” said Fletcher, “but know that I do not try to make friends; even though I have a lot of them. I just go around telling people about the truth and Christians, Jews, and Muslims all agree with me. All I do is talk, and then they go and tell others about it.”

These words are written that you may know. Do what you think you should, or don’t. It really doesn’t matter.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 1

In the fifth year of the reign of George W. Bush, the third year of the war, the president invaded the Oregon Territory. In July, a nuclear power plant in Eastern Washington, known locally as the State of Madison, had melted down in such an event that made the Chernobyl disaster look like spilt milk. The U.S. Army was brought in to keep the peace, but it soon became apparent to the locals that this was an occupation. Indeed, it became obvious that the entire Iraq War was a ruse to deflect attention away from the real front: Cascadia.

Much of the eastern lands were swept away quickly. Many refugees fled to British Colombia, the north Cascadian state. The action degenerated to guerrilla warfare, as men and hominoids together fought off the invaders in the forests and in the mountains. The Sasquatch Militia was full of adept fighters and kept the Army at bay. The war continued to escalate until the Army started using Kamikaze Airplanes to start fires to destroy the forests: the Sasquatch natural fighting areas. Cascadians could think of more efficient ways of starting fires, but were not about to enlighten the invaders.

The seas were mined and the mountains were heavily guarded. Strict blackouts were kept and anti-aircraft machinery was throughout the land. The Cascadian Corridor, stretching from Salem to Vancouver, B.C., was kept safe from the invaders. So long as Cascadia’s infrastructure remained intact, there was hope. Thus, the Sasquatch Militia continued to fight from the mountains and forests, from the valley and rivers.

During this time of tumult, while visiting the local 7-11, I, Fletcher, was caught up in a time warp as I was fastening my bike to the bike rack and fell spiraling back in time. I awoke to find myself inside the Lord Jesus Christ upon the night of His crucifixion. It was hard to see because He was breathing so hard that His chest, where I was located, kept moving around. I just barely dodged being stabbed by some jerk with a spear. Who does he think he is? Anyway, as my host had died, I was wondering what that meant for me. Then the LORD caught me up to the third heaven.

As I looked around, I saw the angels surrounding the LORD. They were practicing for the end times by lobbing poisonous vials amongst themselves. In the distance, I saw Tree Octopi that had already done their bit for king and country. More observation showed snowy mountains and clean streams of water from there flowed. The waters flowed through forest and meadow, bringing life to all. The rivers continued to flow to the west, where they deposited their life-giving elixir into an ocean without end. It was beautiful beyond compare. I knew this must be the northwest corner of heaven.

Amidst the trumpet calls, voices, roaring, and thunders, the LORD spoke to me saying, "You shall be my prophet to the people of the United States! You will speak judgment to the people and shall be obedient to my words without debate! If you prophecy something that I have not commanded, I shall smite thee that very date!"

"Oh LORD," I answered, "You are just and fair, and you use exclamatory rhymes so captivatingly; but how am I, a mere bum who smells of beer and urine and spits when he talks supposed to speak convincingly to the people? How am I supposed to know what to say?"

The LORD then drew his sword and cut me into three pieces. He said unto me, "As I have cut you into three, so in three you shall be! Your spirit and your soul will remain up here; I shall speak to them and they shall relay the message, don't fear!" Then the LORD used His massive roll of duct tape to piece me back together. "Go!" He said to me, "Go out to the nation! You shall start thy ministry in Seattle's Union Station!"

The Beginning

A commission is given to me to teach the unwashed masses, to spread the word to those far off, to tell of the news of a higher authority. My faithful servant, Reuel, shall transcribe my teachings and place them on the interweb. Through this medium, we shall reach untold numbers. The word shall go out and nothing can stop it!

Defend Truth
-Fletcher
-Reuel