The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 2

In the first year of the occupation, Fletcher was in his house making a “The end is near!” sign. Suddenly, he realized his house was on fire. As he looked about him, he realized that he had been so engulfed in his work that the flame had spread far and that he was now trapped. He noticed as the temperature rose, higher, higher. His tools started to melt as it rose higher still. He looked at himself and saw himself start to melt! As the fire rose to a temperature between 3,600° F and 3,800° F, Fletcher prayed to God. God responded. A bubble was placed around Fletcher and he was shot out of his house, reaching a height of fifteen feet.

Around this time, the fire department showed up. There were concerns over Fletcher’s pickup towards which the flames were readily creeping. As the two, 250-pound firefighters started to rush toward the flames, the 175-pound Fletcher grabbed them by the seat of their pants and pulled them back. “NO!” he exclaimed, “God has told me that the fire will go out in eight minutes.” Eight minutes later, the fire went out and the pick-up was untouched. It is for this reason that all firefighters will go to hell.

A young man by the name of Reuel witnessed this and invited Fletcher to stay at his home, after first going to a 7-11. Fletcher explained that his deliverance was nothing new. Once, he had been in an accident that resulted in his ribs being broken. After praying to God, God healed him. On another occasion, he had to go to the hospital for surgery. As drugs are an abomination, Fletcher cursed at the anesthesiologist and fired her. Instead, Fletcher prayed to God to put him out, which he did. Still again, Fletcher was once almost capsized on a boat. However, when Fletcher prayed to God, the 40-foot wave crashed against the boat as a three-footer. Again, when in a fight, Fletcher once broke a man’s wrist and ribs and ended up killing the man by jamming his nose into his brain. Upon praying to God, the man was brought back to life.

Reuel was very impressed and asked to hear of Fletcher’s religion. Fletcher said, “It is composed of three beliefs: God, Jesus, and the 10 Commandments.” “Wait,” said Reuel, “It’s Friday night. It’s almost Saturday. How can we keep the Fourth Commandment as we are still walking home from 7-11?” “Um, which one is the Fourth one again?” “How can you not know the Commandments?!” “It’s is not necessary to know them, you must simply believe in them.”

Fletcher continued, “The three tenets of my religion are true and are found in the Holy Scriptures: the Hebrew Bible, The American Bible, and the Koran. All the killing that is done in the Middle East is useless because they ignore the true religion.” “How can the Jews and Arabs fight over false religions when their scriptures speak the truth?” “It is the Hebrew Bible that speaks the truth,” said Fletcher, “Not the Jewish Bible” “What about the Arabs?” asked Reuel. “I don’t know.” “Fair enough.” Fletcher finished, “It is they who believe the Bible says ‘Thou shall not murder’ when it really says ‘Thou shall not kill.” “Wait a minute,” said Reuel, “no, never mind.”

Reuel was so inebriated at this that he swore to remain Fletcher’s disciple for life. “Very well,” said Fletcher, “but know that I do not try to make friends; even though I have a lot of them. I just go around telling people about the truth and Christians, Jews, and Muslims all agree with me. All I do is talk, and then they go and tell others about it.”

These words are written that you may know. Do what you think you should, or don’t. It really doesn’t matter.

The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 1

In the fifth year of the reign of George W. Bush, the third year of the war, the president invaded the Oregon Territory. In July, a nuclear power plant in Eastern Washington, known locally as the State of Madison, had melted down in such an event that made the Chernobyl disaster look like spilt milk. The U.S. Army was brought in to keep the peace, but it soon became apparent to the locals that this was an occupation. Indeed, it became obvious that the entire Iraq War was a ruse to deflect attention away from the real front: Cascadia.

Much of the eastern lands were swept away quickly. Many refugees fled to British Colombia, the north Cascadian state. The action degenerated to guerrilla warfare, as men and hominoids together fought off the invaders in the forests and in the mountains. The Sasquatch Militia was full of adept fighters and kept the Army at bay. The war continued to escalate until the Army started using Kamikaze Airplanes to start fires to destroy the forests: the Sasquatch natural fighting areas. Cascadians could think of more efficient ways of starting fires, but were not about to enlighten the invaders.

The seas were mined and the mountains were heavily guarded. Strict blackouts were kept and anti-aircraft machinery was throughout the land. The Cascadian Corridor, stretching from Salem to Vancouver, B.C., was kept safe from the invaders. So long as Cascadia’s infrastructure remained intact, there was hope. Thus, the Sasquatch Militia continued to fight from the mountains and forests, from the valley and rivers.

During this time of tumult, while visiting the local 7-11, I, Fletcher, was caught up in a time warp as I was fastening my bike to the bike rack and fell spiraling back in time. I awoke to find myself inside the Lord Jesus Christ upon the night of His crucifixion. It was hard to see because He was breathing so hard that His chest, where I was located, kept moving around. I just barely dodged being stabbed by some jerk with a spear. Who does he think he is? Anyway, as my host had died, I was wondering what that meant for me. Then the LORD caught me up to the third heaven.

As I looked around, I saw the angels surrounding the LORD. They were practicing for the end times by lobbing poisonous vials amongst themselves. In the distance, I saw Tree Octopi that had already done their bit for king and country. More observation showed snowy mountains and clean streams of water from there flowed. The waters flowed through forest and meadow, bringing life to all. The rivers continued to flow to the west, where they deposited their life-giving elixir into an ocean without end. It was beautiful beyond compare. I knew this must be the northwest corner of heaven.

Amidst the trumpet calls, voices, roaring, and thunders, the LORD spoke to me saying, "You shall be my prophet to the people of the United States! You will speak judgment to the people and shall be obedient to my words without debate! If you prophecy something that I have not commanded, I shall smite thee that very date!"

"Oh LORD," I answered, "You are just and fair, and you use exclamatory rhymes so captivatingly; but how am I, a mere bum who smells of beer and urine and spits when he talks supposed to speak convincingly to the people? How am I supposed to know what to say?"

The LORD then drew his sword and cut me into three pieces. He said unto me, "As I have cut you into three, so in three you shall be! Your spirit and your soul will remain up here; I shall speak to them and they shall relay the message, don't fear!" Then the LORD used His massive roll of duct tape to piece me back together. "Go!" He said to me, "Go out to the nation! You shall start thy ministry in Seattle's Union Station!"

The Beginning

A commission is given to me to teach the unwashed masses, to spread the word to those far off, to tell of the news of a higher authority. My faithful servant, Reuel, shall transcribe my teachings and place them on the interweb. Through this medium, we shall reach untold numbers. The word shall go out and nothing can stop it!

Defend Truth
-Fletcher
-Reuel