The Apocalypse of Fletcher, ch. 2

In the first year of the occupation, Fletcher was in his house making a “The end is near!” sign. Suddenly, he realized his house was on fire. As he looked about him, he realized that he had been so engulfed in his work that the flame had spread far and that he was now trapped. He noticed as the temperature rose, higher, higher. His tools started to melt as it rose higher still. He looked at himself and saw himself start to melt! As the fire rose to a temperature between 3,600° F and 3,800° F, Fletcher prayed to God. God responded. A bubble was placed around Fletcher and he was shot out of his house, reaching a height of fifteen feet.

Around this time, the fire department showed up. There were concerns over Fletcher’s pickup towards which the flames were readily creeping. As the two, 250-pound firefighters started to rush toward the flames, the 175-pound Fletcher grabbed them by the seat of their pants and pulled them back. “NO!” he exclaimed, “God has told me that the fire will go out in eight minutes.” Eight minutes later, the fire went out and the pick-up was untouched. It is for this reason that all firefighters will go to hell.

A young man by the name of Reuel witnessed this and invited Fletcher to stay at his home, after first going to a 7-11. Fletcher explained that his deliverance was nothing new. Once, he had been in an accident that resulted in his ribs being broken. After praying to God, God healed him. On another occasion, he had to go to the hospital for surgery. As drugs are an abomination, Fletcher cursed at the anesthesiologist and fired her. Instead, Fletcher prayed to God to put him out, which he did. Still again, Fletcher was once almost capsized on a boat. However, when Fletcher prayed to God, the 40-foot wave crashed against the boat as a three-footer. Again, when in a fight, Fletcher once broke a man’s wrist and ribs and ended up killing the man by jamming his nose into his brain. Upon praying to God, the man was brought back to life.

Reuel was very impressed and asked to hear of Fletcher’s religion. Fletcher said, “It is composed of three beliefs: God, Jesus, and the 10 Commandments.” “Wait,” said Reuel, “It’s Friday night. It’s almost Saturday. How can we keep the Fourth Commandment as we are still walking home from 7-11?” “Um, which one is the Fourth one again?” “How can you not know the Commandments?!” “It’s is not necessary to know them, you must simply believe in them.”

Fletcher continued, “The three tenets of my religion are true and are found in the Holy Scriptures: the Hebrew Bible, The American Bible, and the Koran. All the killing that is done in the Middle East is useless because they ignore the true religion.” “How can the Jews and Arabs fight over false religions when their scriptures speak the truth?” “It is the Hebrew Bible that speaks the truth,” said Fletcher, “Not the Jewish Bible” “What about the Arabs?” asked Reuel. “I don’t know.” “Fair enough.” Fletcher finished, “It is they who believe the Bible says ‘Thou shall not murder’ when it really says ‘Thou shall not kill.” “Wait a minute,” said Reuel, “no, never mind.”

Reuel was so inebriated at this that he swore to remain Fletcher’s disciple for life. “Very well,” said Fletcher, “but know that I do not try to make friends; even though I have a lot of them. I just go around telling people about the truth and Christians, Jews, and Muslims all agree with me. All I do is talk, and then they go and tell others about it.”

These words are written that you may know. Do what you think you should, or don’t. It really doesn’t matter.